[Note: portions of this article by Gene Marcus are in boldface; the parts by Mayer Shevin are in italics.]

FC speakers are just like all other people in their dreams of having many close and loving friendships. They have, however, some problems in making those dreams real. The purpose of this article is to share thoughts that the two of us have had about our friendship and what we have learned from it. It is partly based on our personal experiences, but we hope to raise issues that are common ones for many people.

My name is Gene Marcus; I am an autistic man in my mid- twenties, who has lived at home until about two months ago. I began using FC about 2 1/2 years ago. And I am Mayer Shevin -- I am 43, and have helped people with disabilities form formal and informal circles of friends for many years, However, I have rarely had close friendships in those contexts, until recently.

The first thing to remember is that friendship is not therapy, or counseling, or feeling responsible for fixing people, or getting ashamed of having limits. Here is my view of what friendship really is: friendship is when two people discover their already existing connection. It is particularly important for facilitators and other allies to remember this, because there will always be a strong pull from society at large and the human service system to see us as part of a package of "recreational therapy" or "social skill building" or "community outings"; none of those things are what truly matter.

My friendships, at least those formed in the last year or more, have all been with people who wanted to learn to facilitate with me. That causes some suspiciousness, which must not be allowed to continue unspoken, for fear of making the FC speaker a grudging partner and the facilitating friend a frustrated pursuer. Nevertheless, it is OK to have relationships of convenience which aren't true friendships. How I feel about those is that my relationships of convenience may lead to friendships -- and if not, then nothing has been lost. Our friendship will serve as a case in point. I began visiting with Gene in December 1991 for the purpose of gaining increased experience in facilitation. Although I was open to becoming friends, that was not my initial motivation. Our friendship grew as each of us let the other know how much we would welcome that growth in our relationship.

New friendships have a great deal of energy attached to them. One thing that has been a challenge for us has been how to overcome my feelings of disappointment when Mayer became friends with other FC speakers and had less time to spend with me. For my part, I felt it was important that I be very explicit about what I wished from our relationship, and what my intentions were for its continuity over time. Many disabled people have all too often had well-intentioned people drop into and out of their lives; small adjustments in such things as frequency of visits or the amount of 1:1 time involved may be seen as being very threatening. My friend has pointed out something very crucial -- that is, making explicit plans for things to happen. For people like me who rely on others to make our schedules work, to make sure that things happen, etc., having a named, explicit agreement on things gets us through long stretches of little contact. If I don't know when Mayer's next visit will be, I worry; if I do know, I can relax.

For both of us, the word "friend" is a very weighty one, not to be used lightly. This is especially true when people have other relationships which may be their primary ones, such as client/ staff or student/teacher relationships. My meaning of "friend" is one that can't be broken into separate roles like a job description. Nevertheless, I have to ask when someone in an official position does things with me, "Is that his friendship or his job description making him do it?" So I need a long time to accept the friendly overtures of even the best intentioned staffperson or job coach.

Based on our experiences with each other, as well as the experiences of other people we both know, we'd like to offer the following ideas about friendships that involve FC speakers. This list is not a "cookbook," but it includes issues that we feel are worth considering. Great minds think alike, so don't worry if you have already thought of some of these yourself. And if they sound like they don't apply, ask yourself, "Why not?"

1. How a friendship can begin is when people respect each other. It's worthwhile to ask: "What limitations are built into the structure and activities of our relationship that get in the way of my treating this person as my full equal?" But don't wait for the system to be perfected before becoming friends. It's enough to notice the barriers and be honest about them.
2. One important role of the FC speaker's friend is to help create opportunities for meeting new people or for expanding relationships with current acquaintances. That may be as simple as having dinner guests together or as complicated as structuring a whole set of encounters with new people for both of you. Sometimes, too, it won't work, and you both have to laugh and go on.
3. It's sometimes tricky to figure out how to keep the experienced facilitator from being a permanent part of a newly forming rela- tionship between the FC speaker and another inexperienced person. How I have handled that is by driving Mayer away after he has introduced me to someone. (Mayer knows to respect my wishes.) Not only does that model a respectfulness that we both value but it also lets the new person do the work required to get to know me himself. That feels like a commitment to me, rather than to my charming friend.
4. Friends don't have to agree, but they do have to listen. Give your new friend lots of time to talk or type, both of you.
5. Give your new friend lots of hope that you will get easy to be with some day, even if it's hard now. That applies to both partners, and to many aspects of the relationship, not just the facilitation. In particular, it means that you forgive each other more than you blame, and you celebrate more than you criticize, even on rotten days.
6. Friends don't have to talk all the time. The time you spend doing other things is just as important. Time spent watching TV together or going for a walk is not wasted; neither is time when the FC speaker is listening, while the friend shares about his/her life, dreams, ideas, etc. It may take practice at first for the facilitator to relax during those times that he or she isn't facilitating.
7. Having lots of friends is important. Going into a new friendship is much easier when you are confident that only that friendship is at stake, not whether having friends is even possible.
8. How it feels to me is that my friendships will be stronger after my friends can facilitate easily with me. But some of my best friends are people who don't wait for perfection before telling me of their loving feelings toward me.
9. Having a friend is worth the effort but it is an effort. Both of you need support from other friends and loved ones to make it work.
10. Reciprocity seems to be an important feature in all friendships we know of between FC speakers and others. Without facilitators opening up and letting ourselves be loved and supported by the people we facilitate for, we are perpetuating a kind of distancing and inequality that does not need to be there. Most of all, we speakers wish to be "good sports." That means playing well, not stealing all the rewards for yourself. And that also means being careful to give as good as we get (even though you friends sometimes make that hard for us.) So do the very risky thing of letting us help you for a change.
11. Never give up. Never.